Where is my motivation?? (And not the Greenday lyrics but just in general!!)

Ive got no motivation (and even though I can not say that without the Greenday song dancing around my head) this lack of motivation is not helping with my blog posts!!
*What blog posts??? hahaha

I would like to say I have been super busy trying to change the world or training for a marathon - however that would be lying!! Ive spent more or less this past month trying to sort out the families financial situation seen as the other half is now unemployed due to his ill health! Entering competitions (for a change), battling with my ears and the ENT Docs (for a change!), helping kids with their homework (both have huge projects due in within 2 weeks). I have also been signing up to Uni after finally coming to a massive decision about my career!

So in a quick round up - being doing well with my competitions - won quite a lot this month (Feel free to check out the specific page on this blog dedicated to my wins!) had to sell quite a few of the prizes so I can afford clothes for the kids. But I have had some nice beauty treats which I have kept because like any other girl I like to have a bit of a pamper every now and again. I'm now trying to win a few things to put away for Christmas! I know that it is months away but unless my lotto numbers come up it will be a huge struggle financially - if I can win a few things to stash away and wrap up in December I am sure my purse would be grateful. So fingers crossed I will have a few more wins - I got a £10 cheque this morning so I am hoping it is a sign of things to come!

The financial situation is too boring to explain and I will end up going on a rant about the economic climate and current affairs - but slowly we are battling agencies and government policies to try and stay alive.

My ears are even more boring to talk about but its a massive part of me so I am not going to spare the details - since November 2012 they have been leaking that yucky gunk! Well finally they have just stopped piling me with Anti-biotics and drops and have changed their tune. Apparently it is mucus which is leaking from my ears - so I am now on an intensive course of flushing out my nasal passages for 6 weeks to see if this helps? At the moment it is painful on my sinus' and does not seem to be working on the wet lugs - but its early days and I want to give it a fair shot! In general my hearing is rubbish and sometimes even with my aids in sounds are muffled and can be difficult to understand! It is so depressing when it is constant and the hospital just seem to shrug it off as it is nothing. Would they like gunk dripping from their ears for 6 months? Probably not so why do they seem to think that it is nothing to me??

Oh and saved the most important update for last - IVE SIGNED UP TO UNI!! Again - and at the moment it is only Open University but I have studied with them before and am happy to have another couple of years with them whilst I try to sort out a degree! Because them I am going to a local Uni to do my PGCE which is Post Graduates Certificate of Education! I want to be a teacher! Well always wanted to be a teacher but life happened and circumstances told me otherwise! Well now since I have been volunteering with my daughters school I have realised how fulfilling and rewarding I find it so I figured why not reach for the stars and get my degree!!

So in a nutshell you have the reasons I have been absent from here for a while. I am sure I will add more updates on Uni and my ears in the future - I will also pick up my A-Z of dislikes when I get the chance!!

Frustration and a gum shield!

So after another trip to the ENT hospital about my ears I am no clearer on how long this problem of mine is going to last! 

It was an early appointment but we dropped our daughter off at school and hurried there, this time they could do a hearing test- the drops had thankfully cleared my ears enough. So I sat there with the super sexy rubber headphones and got increasingly worried that I could not hear half as many beeps as I should! This means my hearing is even worse! Which I knew anyway! 

So we dutifully waited to see the specialist, it was one I had seen before so I was reassured that he would listen to me and my concerns and hopefully he would sympathise with my problem! Which he did - he understood exactly how frustrating and debilitating it has been having this leaky infection for over 2 months now. But there is not a lot he can do - he suctioned my left ear out (yuck) which helped increase hearing levels in that ear. Reassured me that contrary to what the Doctor said last time the T-Tube they fitted in my ear IS still there. He then examined the right ear - which is the one that gives me the most pain and worry. Apparently it is an healthy ear and the pain is coming from my jaw and not my ear. So now I am to spend 2 weeks on Ibuprofen to reduce any inflammation and buy a gum shield to wear at night, with the hope of it stopping me grinding my teeth. I also have to stop smoking!! (I know I need to stop smoking - its easier said than done!!!!!) I got given more drops to try and reduce the bit of infection residing in my left ear and another appointment for 3 weeks to see if these simple steps have helped with the pain! 

If the infection does not go then it could mean having the T Tube removed which brings me back to an inverted eardrum! 

I am just left frustrated and annoyed! I feel like the pain is definitely in my ear and not the jaw, but maybe I will be proved wrong?! 

I've been told the smoking will mean I never fully get rid of the infection - but the cynic in me believes that Doctors advise you to stop smoking as a matter of course no matter what the illness or problem! 

But I am going to follow advice and buy a gum shield, take regular anti-inflammatories and try to reduce the smoking. We will see in 3 weeks what the next step is! 

I am not bothered I need hearing aids - that I have learnt to live with! However I do not want to spend my whole life with gunk leaking out of my ears on a regular basis. 

3 Appointments 1 day (hospital and School!)

Tuesday the 12th was a busy day for me - finally I had an appointment with the specialist who operated on my ears. Since I had been having non-stop trouble with them I was looking forward to hopefully getting some answers and knowing why they have not stopped leaking. However it was not going to be that straight forward.

It had been several months since my hearing aids had been serviced and the tubes were becoming brittle so needed replacing, trying to save petrol I made the appointment at audiology for roughly the same time as my ENT appointment. Arriving on time we were seen by a lovely lady who changed my tubes and insisted on trying to talk to me whilst I wasn't wearing them, you would think that someone used to working with people hard of hearing she would wait until I could hear before speaking!! haha

Tubes changed I was pleased that had gone easily with no issues - it wasn't until I got home I realised that she had cut them the wrong lengths and it was rubbing me!! But hubby managed to sort that thankfully!!

Anyway as I was waiting to see the specialist I got sent for a hearing test, this is a must before any hearing appointment. But the guy doing the tests told me he couldn't do it until my ears had been suctioned because there was too much 'gunk' in them! (My words not his!!!) so back to the waiting room we went! Eventually we were called to see the specialist after been sat in total for about an hour. She attempted to suction my ears out - which is a very unpleasant experience and then informed me that the T-tube they fitted in the operation was not there anymore!! I am renowned for loosing things but this was implanted into my body so was not something I had expected to misplace. Then she informed me that because my ears were so 'wet' (her words) she couldn't do anything else until I had used a course of drops to dry them out!!

So all in all it felt like a complete waste of time and I was super frustrated that the operation was not a success and that they couldn't tell me anything there and then! It also took several hours for me to cope with the pain the suctioning had caused and the pain the ear drops give me when I put them in. But as i spoke to hubby about it I realised it was probably a good thing because now they have seen me when my ears are at their worst and have a vague idea of how I am coping daily! (Or not coping!) Now it is a case of waiting for the drops to hopefully dry my ears out and seeing where we go next. I am not prepared to be in pain with pressure and leaking ears forever so I will be making sure when we visit again in a couple of weeks that I make my feelings clear! The operation was painful and I didn't want it anyway but I believed it was for the best so I went ahead - now it seems like it was a waste of time and has caused me more problems! But we shall see......

My final appointment of the day was my little girls parents evening! And it was Proud mummy time - she is an excellent pupil and more importantly in my opinion a lovely and polite child who is always offering to help the others in her class who are not as fast / efficient at their work. The only  (minor) problem is the issue of her wanting to be everyone's friend when she does not always get on with them so then the teacher has to solve silly little girl arguments. But this is true for several girls in her class and something I have spoken to her teacher about a few times. We have reached the conclusion that this group of girls have a love hate relationship and is something that might not be fixed until they all mature that bit more - if ever cos some girls can be clique all the time. In general though her attitude and school work are fabtastic so I am more than pleased and made her well aware that she was doing brill!

Update - negative (Depression and ear problems!)

It has been a few days since I have written anything on here, I have got a few draft posts ready to finish and then publish but nothing new has gone up in ages.

I've had a bad time lately, battling with my depression and my ears, but it is a catch 22 situation because my ears have been so bad it has increased the fed up and down emotions I am going through. A couple of days ago the gunkyness stopped in my right ear, however the pain from the pressure build up started. I keep hoping for the leaking to start so I can get rid of this intense and annoying pain but no joy. I have put off going to the GP though, mainly because I have a hospital appointment on Tuesday with the surgeon who operated on my ears. I am partly dreading this because I think they will end up suctioning all the crap out of my ears but at the same time I need this constant problem to stop so I am 100% fit for work, when I eventually find work.  Needless to say my hearing is up and down with this, some days I feel as if i am under water and everything is muffled even when I have my aids in. When I have not got them in I live in a world where only the noisiest sounds are heard.

My depression hasn't just been made worse by my ears though, as a family at the moment we are struggling financially. I know a lot of families are in the same boat so I am trying not to complain too much but through the week my other half was served his notice at work on the grounds of ill health. It was not unexpected and he has 7 weeks to be redeployed in suitable non manual work but still it increases the pressures our family are going through.

I am constantly looking for work which is emotionally draining, I know I have not worked for so long and I am not ideal for telephone work or work in a noisy environment but even places like Asda and Lidl do not seem to look at my CV properly. I have a lot of qualifications but they are academic and maybe this is working against me? Who knows? I do know however that I will be persistent  I do not just need work for the financial reasons but mentally I need to be more than a mum who sits at home tidying up, entering competitions and cooking meals.

Finally - there is no joy on the laptop front yet. We got a new motherboard from the USA but it doesn't seem to work and money has totally run out now! I am currently using the oldest and loudest laptop we have. It sounds like an hairdryer and keeps over heating and closing down so a tad annoying. I am grateful that I have got something that I can use to write and enter competitions but the sooner I have a fully working less temperamental machine the better!!

Birthdays, Broken Laptops and Lost hearing aids!!

Well today is my 30th birthday. I was one of those people at 12 who thought that 30 was ancient - now i'm there myself I still feel like I am young. And I guess I am - but a lot of times I feel old and tired. 

I've got no huge plans to celebrate, I had a lie in this morning and woke to find cards and gifts off my children and hubby. My mum visited and had a coffee - and told me her dog having puppies so we could be getting a new doggy in a couple of months!!! The remainder of the day is going to be spent on the sofa entering competitions and watching mindless kids TV. Perfect!! My hubby cooking a Sunday dinner so that will be fabtastic too!!

The worst thing happened to me this week and my Dell laptop (2years old) bit the dust! We had just bought a new battery and the motherboard went. This is the 2nd laptop I have killed in the past 3 years - although the 1st one died from a large latte been poured over it. Been super super skint - a new one isnt an option so hubby is hell bent on repairing one of them in the cheapest way possible. Until then I am using my cheap and slow android tablet and his tiny web book. Which are more than adequate - but I am used to my laptop and do miss it. Im also one of the most impatient people ever and always want something yesterday. 

So until I do get my own machine working my posts will be sporadic. And will probably not include photos because I don't want to clog his memory with all my pics. 

I've also lost my left hearing aid - which is a nightmare! I've got a kidney infection and still got a bad ear infection so am on strong antibiotics and painkillers- this seems to have given me a forgetful brain - because my hearing aid has vanished!! Turned the whole house upside down and even been in the bin (with yellow marigolds on!) but still no joy!! Hopefully I can be fitted for some more soon because I don't know how I will cope with any future job interviews with lopsided hearing!!! I'm laughing about it - because it has just been one of those weeks! Hopefully next week less things will go wrong????

More about my deafness / hard of hearing ness!

I have had hearing problems now since I was about 8 years old. First it was typical glue ear which I had Gromits fitted for. But it has never improved  and when I was about 14 I was told I needed hearing aids at this stage in my life I struggled with them and ended up wearing them for about 10 mins.
From that point I coped - not very well but I have basic lip reading skills and alongside that I can hear sounds so I use a lot of guesswork using sounds and lip movements combined. But a couple of years ago I began to suffer chronic ear infections, which consist not just of pain /throbbing /popping eardrums but I get gunky discharge / pus leaking from my ears. After a couple of these horrible and gross ear infections my other half and the kids had noticed I was struggling more with day to day noises and communication. So it was back to my local ENT department.

Originally they said I needed hearing aids and gave no explanation as to why my ears kept hurting and producing this disgusting gunk. So I gave into the idea of been 28 years old and relying on hearing aids to communicate. I didn't give in that easy though, I didn't get the full benefit because I only wore them when I wanted / needed to. I should have been wearing them full stop. Several more infections later I was getting mad at not getting any explanation as to why I was gunky and sore, so I went back to the hospital again. It was decided I needed stronger hearing aids - which meant they were even more visible on the ear. The only good side (as I believed then) was the fact I could chose the colours! I decided to go for a silvery black aid and glittery moulds. (The photo doesn't show the proper glitteryness of them!)

Slowly over the past couple of years I have become more accustomed to wearing them and even make the odd joke about them - mainly how i can lower the volume when the kids get noisy or take them out when in an argument. And now I am at the stage where I panic when I have to cope without them, it is such a struggle and for this reason my batteries are my best friend. I have spare packs of batteries everywhere in case I hear the dreading warning beep in my ear.

I still haven't got much further with the ENT dept - I had a scan which did show some moderate disease in my left ear canal, so on the 26th November 2012 I underwent a minor op to have a T-tube put in. This is like a gromit but more permanent and bigger. I would like to say this has helped but since the operation I have had nothing but pain and gunk. So its back to the drawing board with docs and hospital appointments. Watch this space.....

Just to clarify -
I am not properly deaf - the correct term for me is Hard of Hearing (HOH). There are 6.6% of the population between the ages of 6-60 who have a hearing loss. (RNID website) So I am not alone in my predicament. And I would be really interested in meeting other people in my age group who suffer like me - especially those with families. I should really look for support groups in my area and online... (I can sense another post coming on this in the near future.)

What I hope to achieve from this blog of mine.

There are so many blogs out there so why am I writing mine? And what am I hoping to achieve from it? 

I'm not expecting millions of subscribers or monetary rewards - I mainly want to put my opinions across with maybe the occasional rant at society or my life. 

But I like the idea of preserving my ideas/ opinions/ memories for prosperity. I've done a lot of diaries and journals over the years and I've always considered them historical documents in the making. (I said I loved history!) I like the idea of people in hundreds of years reading my ramblings and taking something from them. Blogs are the future. 

I also want to try and get across how difficult it can be in daily life living with hearing issues. I suffer from depression too so some elements of my battle will inevitable end up on these pages. But I just want to highlight that hearing problems can affect all ages - and how those problems can result in some humorous  embarrassing annoying problems. 

I will say sometimes my entries will be all over the place especially over the next few weeks as I attempt to tell you more detail about me and my life etc.... its also a massive learning curve for me so pictures and links will be added but I make no promises on how fantastic they will be. 

Some people may also not like my opinions - I can be open-minded and volatile on occasion. But all opinions are my own so any problems just contact me via the various options on my page. 

My 1st blog - about me

The 1st post!! 

All about me; 

I am totally new to this blogging malarky - however after looking at other peoples blogs and how much support and fun they seem to have has encouraged me to start my own. 

I've called it muffled rants - mainly because my world is muffled. Let me explain - I need to wear hearing aids otherwise I can't hear words. I'm not 100% deaf and can lip read to a degree but telly is a no-go (unless its subtitled) and in general day to day life I can struggle - even with the aids in. 

I don't want to just write about my impediment though - there are lots of other things that make me stand out and make me.... well me!! 

I love tattoos and piercings and will try to add some photos of my collection as I extend my blog. I read a lot, I crochet, I adore entering competitions (which is why I came across so many amazing blogs!), I enjoy writing, learning about history. I cook and bake, I am a life long chocoholic and coffee-holic!

So that's what I like! 

But that's not all - I'm approaching my 30th year (27th January), I've been married for 8 years, I have 2 amazing children (11yr old boy & 8yr old girl) and a pretty fab stepson too (he is 17). Oh best not forget our dog too - we adore dogs in our house!

At the moment I am trying to look for work, obviously the job market isn't as big for me because I am limited. (Noisy environments and lots of telephone calls not an option!) But my hubby is off sick so is willing to take care of the household duties whilst I try to start my career - having had the kids young I put it all on hold. 

Thats enough for now I think - I do tend to ramble on when I write! However as I get the hang of this blogging I am sure I will fill people in more. I'm sure you are all very interested. ?!?! 

If there is anything you want to know - just leave a comment - any tips on doing this blog thing- leave a comment!! haha